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We are experts at wronging each other,
but when it comes to setting things right, we all could use some help. New York
Times best-selling author Gary Chapman teams with counselor Jennifer Thomas in
an eye-opening study of one of the most important yet least understood pillars
of human relationships: the apology. Those of us who aren’t perfect need to
know the anatomy of a complete and genuine apology if we want to sustain
healthy, whole relationships—or restore broken ones. The authors analyze the
five basic languages of apology: expressing regret, accepting responsibility,
making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. If you
receive an apology that omits your apology language, chances are you won’t
fully accept it or even recognize it as an apology. Learn the techniques to
effectively recognize and deliver apologies and watch your relationships thrive
as a result. Surprisingly, saying “I’m sorry,” isn’t primarily a matter of
will—it’s a matter of how. This article is published though not written by
VESTERconcept in line with our vision to help our readers enjoy a happy and
healthy relationship.
Ø Expressing Regret
“Expressing Regret” is the Apology
Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and
shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing
Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need
for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the
heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right
to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all,
“Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing
Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the
relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when
the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also
through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are
two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.
Ø Accept Responsibility
It is very difficult for some people to
admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one
likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that
we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor
decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong.
We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals,
all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects
accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as
though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how
to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply
admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology
language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being
sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that
you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a
world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.
Ø Make Restitution
In our society, many people believe that
wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their
wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards
apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is
apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants
to hear that their mate still loves them.
There are many effective ways to
demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love
language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may
feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not
necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s
main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service,
Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to
make restitutions in the most effective way.
For a mate whose primary apology
language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I
was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong
efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the
assurance that you still love your mate
and have a desire to right the
wrong-doings committed.
Ø Genuinely Repent
For some individuals, repentance is the
convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an
apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their
behavior to avoid
the situation in the future.
It’s important to remember that all true
repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved
one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong
creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The
glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.
One important aspect of genuinely
repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your
mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your
desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.
Many people have problems with repenting
when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a
healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with
morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.
It is also important to make a dedicated
plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person
never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set
goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start
implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of
insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully
changing your ways.
It is important to remember that change
is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful.
There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with
God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready
to repent.
Ø Request Forgiveness
In some relationships, a mate wants to
hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that
their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their
actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting
forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully
restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve
done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting
forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the
relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final
decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.
Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It
often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of
rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking
forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to
overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The
commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to
apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember
that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING
forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of
forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make.
Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it. Remember not
to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated.
The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and
for the person who’s accepting. If you’re interested in knowing more CLICK ME
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